There are, as with most things, up days and down days. Today is living more on the other side.
I enjoy Anastasia, and our visit with her was as good as can be. My health is getting better and Tom is nearly completely well. Our walk toward the orphanage was good, and we got picked up by our friend and driver less than halfway there because he saw us and insisted that we let him give us a ride. Nothing is particularly less than great today in most respects. It's just that today...well, today I want to be with my babies. Today I want to hold my Benjamin and kiss his chubby little cheeks while he struggles to get out of my arms for more fun things that are on his agenda. Today I want to snuggle with my Lexi and give her Mommy kisses all over her face while she holds her pink blanket and tells me she loves me too. Today I want to read them stories and make them lunch. I want to smell their smells and feel their chubby little fingers.
Today I want to be with my kids.
Chernovsty is good. As far as travel goes, this place is nice. The people kind, the culture thick, the charm not lacking. But I am not a traveler, and this is not my home.
I want to eat my normal food. I want to feel my bed, in my house. I want my routine, in my town. I want the company of my friends who speak my language in the comfort of my living room. I want my rain (or possibly snow I hear) in my "dreary" Pacific Northwest.
Today I want to be home.
Even with the road paved perfectly before us, the Lord clearly going ahead of us to ready our path, it is not always easy. We have had things very easy so far, completely uneventful. Yet, I still want to be home.
My baby is clingy and sad, he wants his mommy and daddy and I can't give that to him. My big girl has been a little sick and wants her normal routine back...I also can't give that to her. I want to. I want the same things they want, but this is not in my power. God has called us to this mission at this time. God has given us the gift of Ana, and we are excited to bring her home. It just so happens that this little blessing that we are adding to our family this time is half way across the world. This is just part of the work that it takes to get her.
Alexis and Benjamin came with discomfort of their own. There was geography change involved there too...it's just that it was the north and south of my body. There was traveling involved, and even pain. But God blessed us with them and nothing worth so much is easy to get. This discomfort is temporary and it is worth the end result. But that doesn't change that I would rather be home today.
I say this not to complain, so don't get the wrong idea. I want you to know that, while adoption is worth the things you must go through (and I know I will still feel that way in a year), it's not all cheery and rosy. The travel is nice and you get to see a new place, but it's still not always peachy. God doesn't call us to peachy. God calls us to things that make us grow.
It's time to go see our girl for our second visit of the day, so I will have to go now. Thanks for listening to my growing pains for today.
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Oh, I understand how you feel. Last year when I went on my first trip to Russia, I left Caleb for the first time. I missed him so much! When I got to Moscow, I had a 12 hour layover so I got a day room at a hotel. I tried both phone and internet and could not reach the States. I went back up to my room and cried and cried. I am praying for you, God will take care of your kids until you get home. :)
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RR
I can't imagine being without Eden and so I literally cry thinking of you being away from your babies. And just because you know something is worth it in the end and you know it is temporary doesn't mean you aren't able to feel this way! So, go ahead and share all the growing pains you want. We are praying for you, Tom, your babies at home & Ana. We can't wait for you to be one family all together.
ReplyDeleteLu
very well said! It is so hard to be away from all that is loving and comfortable. Just remember, one day at a time, before you know it you will all be home together!! hugs
ReplyDeleteI have been SOOOOO proud of you this week! I think you are doing marvelously well with being away from home and kids. You have made it through Week One, and I know God will get you through the rest of the time. I have been praying for you, and I will continue to do so. I know God will sustain you until it is His time for you guys to come home with Ana. I am praying that His time is before/ on Christmas Day. :)
ReplyDeleteI wish it were in my power to fix all of this... to close the gap of miles, to enable you to snuggle your babies. Since I can't do that, I'll keep snuggling them in your absence and sharing my Stateside Stories for you to read. Alexis and I have our Special Day planned tomorrow, so I will post about that.
I liked the comparison of adoption to childbirth. Yes, adding a child to your family is always painful. I was thinking about this earlier this week when you weren't sleeping much, and how little sleep you got those first few weeks after Alexis and Benny were born.
Enjoy your time immersed in Ana's culture. When she gets older, she will appreciate your stories and pictures of the country, as she may not remember much about it.
Praying your cough is gone SOON and that sleep becomes more "normal". Praying that your mama-heart will be comforted by the Great Comforter. Growing is never easy, but you are doing a great job of it!
Love,
Vicky
PS-- I miss talking to you in your living room too! :) The house seems weird without you guys there.
Being without my kids left me with the feeling of missing something all the time...More then half of me was far, far away & it was so hard to know I couldn't just up & go to them. Your family is in my prayers. I know your guys' longing, & that your little one's are longing for you too. Smile, it'll all be over before you know it! (even though it's gonna seem like it's not)
ReplyDeleteThis was wonderful but tough to read. Took lots and lots of tissues. But I'm so glad you shared. A lot of us here are feeling some of what you are - but it's you and Tom that we are painfully missing. I hope tomorrow is better for you but be prepared for more homesick days. Ug. Stand strong, my dearest DIL; let your hubby comfort you and you him. Make the most of this one-on-one bonding time with your new daughter. The days will pass and you will be home before you know it. Home with your new blessing; home with your 'core' family as well as your very large extended family. (and in the future possibly dreaming of uninterrupted time with your hubby!)
ReplyDeleteBig hugs and kisses to you and Tom. You are much loved.
Praying peace over you. It won't be long and your WHOLE family will be together under one roof!
ReplyDeleteDitto to all, who have written so beautifully. I know that Lisa and David will give your babies lots of love, but it's tough for you all. Vent all you want, and know how much you are loved and missed. With tears in my eyes, and a prayer in my heart, I wish you a speedy return with your sweet Ana. Love you guys!
ReplyDeleteI miss ,y girls tremendously! There is comfort knowing that Andy is home with them, but oh I had never missed anyone so much before. I understand how you are feeling.
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